Thankful, 2012

It is interesting (and ironic, if you know the song I wrote about) that I am sitting down to write this post exactly one year since I wrote this one. This was not a planned coincidence, and yet writing that post has been so much on my mind lately; mostly, I think, because I know there's so much that I did not say then that I was feeling and am feeling still, a whole year later.

Gratitude. It's been a problem lately. I have so very much to be thankful for, and yet I'm having a hard time connecting to those feelings of thankfulness. I am feeling impatient, wanting things exactly the way I want them, right when I want them. Demanding blessings? It's an attitude/temptation that has hung around long enough for me to recognize that it's not only ineffective, but eating away at the better parts of my Spirit. This version of myself was never meant to get so out of control.

But let's leave the confessional before things get too dark and depressing.

Something happened recently that has made me step back and reexamine my blessings; a generous opportunity was made available for me to sort of "fix" one of the things I've felt ungrateful about. I apologize for speaking so cryptically, but specifics aside, the important thing is that it made me realize that there was so much in my unchanged situation to be thankful for--some pretty substantial things that had somehow gotten swallowed up by my list of grievances. I am not naive. I know that things in my life can and will change. But while I've still got them, please indulge me while I wax sentimental and share some of the things I am so very grateful for this year:

*My parents: Their unfailing generosity and appreciation of our circumstances blesses my life daily, hourly, by the minute. Perhaps this is true of all parents, but it nevertheless must be acknowledged that (like my Heavenly parents), there is no blessing in my life that has generated without them. They have given me the means to make my life better--no matter what I may do or accomplish in this life, it will never be without tools they gave me for success.

*Where I live. The Avenues and downtown SLC just might be my favorite places in this world. As much as I love some truly lovely towns in England and the East Coast, Salt Lake City is my city. I have learned here, been heartbroken here, had tremendous fun here, laid foundations here, fell in love here, raised my children here. This is actually the first place in my life I feel like I can call home. I have felt "at home" other places. But here I feel a connection to the actual earth (which I have trodden and climbed) and the stone (which builds up this inspiring city) and the sky (to which I have looked for answers on numerous occasions). I am in the middle of a heated love affair with this particular spot in the world. I spend absent-minded hours during the day dreaming of walking down the various streets in the Avenues, admiring the tall trees, the old homes, the leaves in piles on the sides of the roads, recollecting the crunch underfoot of snails after a rainstorm.

*The stories I am writing. Maybe only writers understand that we are not crazy for talking back to the voices in our heads. That said, some truly wonderful characters have decided to start talking to me (one, in particular, who's been hanging around for ages, has finally decided to open up and tell me more).

*The work that has come my way. A few months ago, I found myself down about not using my set of editing/proofing skills; I was beginning to take those skills for granted, downplaying in my mind just how much I enjoyed them. I even went so far as to caution a friend against going into this line of work. But recently, I've been hired by a generous client who gives me wonderfully interesting and meaningful work (sorry, confidentiality agreement, or I would totally spill the beans!) to proofread. Not only am I rediscovering how much I love to do this, but I feel like the projects I work on will actually make a tangible difference in people's lives. Plus, it helps pay the bills. Word UP.

*My in-laws. When I was single, I was totally terrified of having rotten in-laws; and was pretty convinced that no matter how wonderful they actually were, I would never be satisfied with them, because in comparison with my own family, how could I possibly love another set quite so much? But my in-laws are truly some of the greatest blessings in my life. My MIL/FIL are inspiring examples of charity and dedication to the gospel and its principles. I love them and feel loved by them. And I can't imagine anyone on earth has better sisters-in-law than I do. When I've got a motherhood question, they are generally the first people I go to. They are funny and wise and nonjudgmental, and I love them.

*My trip to New York with my mom. It felt like one giant gulp of fresh air before having to get back into the deep end of a pool; only, instead of feeling like I'm drowning again, I now just feel busy treading water--which is great. I was able to get in touch with grown-up Becca, find some new passions, discover some new places, and spend time with the one woman on this planet that means more to me than any other.

I was reading in Ether 6 earlier today about the Jaredites' passage to the promised land. It was talking about how, at times, their ship would be swallowed up by mountain-sized waves; they sailed around for almost a year before landing in the promised land, all in an air-tight ship, with only a couple stones to see by. One could think and think about the hardships they must have endured: perhaps some of the women were pregnant during all this, or had very young children. Perhaps all the tossing about made them all very seasick. Perhaps they were often bored and stir-crazy. But when the ship landed and they left the boat, they fell to their knees and thanked their god that they'd actually made it. Aside from being a remarkable story of faith and gratitude, this is also a wonderful metaphor for the scope of our lives. I'm sure I don't need to go into detail. But I am grateful for an airtight ship, for light to see by, for the family and friends that surround me. For the Savior who guides my way.