Silver Lining?

I've been having a lot of "off" days lately. I wake up under-rested, and spend the whole day (or week) under a cloud. It's not that my children are being especially difficult; rather, my spirit is rebelling against my circumstances. A lot of my life right now is pinned on the principle of "someday." Someday...

*We'll have a yard

*We'll have moved beyond the stage of raising babies (and into the stage of kidhood)

*We'll be able to afford x,y,z, etc.

*I'll have time to write (really write)

*I'll have the guts to throw away all the junk we've accumulated; and be able to afford more organizational tools to have a neatly run home

*We'll go on vacations

*We'll be able to help other people the way other people are helping us right now

*I'll own clothes without stains on them

But the burden of all these "somedays" weighs heavily on me. Having faith is a healing exercise. But so is   the ability to meet your needs when they arise. I'm not talking about anything extravagant. Just the sense that I am in control of my life, instead of being at the whim of our lack of space, income, children, etc. A lot of days I feel boxed in at every turn, a helpless bystander in my own life. What's worse is that the circumstances themselves aren't going to change until the husband is out of school which is still a few years away. What does all this mean? Mama needs a break. A big one. Running to the grocery store by myself doesn't quite cut it. After all, aren't I still at the whim of my home, bound to my shopping list? 

Lately, I've been thinking a lot about how motherhood isn't a job at all. No one would undertake these working conditions without a steep financial compensation. What other job requires a person to be on duty all day, every day, and on-call, even on 'vacations?' Deal daily with various human bodily fluids/functions? Repeat yourself frequently to your co-workers? Clean up after them? Clean the workplace facilities? Constantly remind co-workers what their jobs are? On the one hand, of course, this means that no one is more important in this workplace than I am; being responsible for everything from the top to the bottom of the ladder. But it also means I don't have the 'luxury' of finishing a thought (just this sentence I've started over three four five times, thanks to interruptions from one of my said co-workers). 

No, motherhood is not a job. I'm not entirely sure what it is, but it isn't work in the traditional sense of the word. It's more like enlisting in the armed forces or being a missionary--it becomes more than what consumes your time from 9-5 each day like a traditional job would. It's an entire way of life. You can't just decide to "do" motherhood. You've got to become a mom. It's like agreeing to be torn apart limb from limb, and then allowing the various and arbitrary circumstances of your life piece you back together again. Maybe, in that great "someday" I'll have this multi-functioning person that is me, with (metaphoric) eyes, limbs, and mental power that have the ability to reach into all directions, and I'll really find myself to be a remarkable person. All I know is that right now, all I feel is the painful separation as each piece of me is slowly cut off and swept under the rug, sucked down the drain, or thrown in the trash. Is this making sense to anyone else? I'm having trouble seeing the silver lining, I guess.