More than (Just) Words

Did you ever read William Faulkner's As I Lay Dying? In one of my favorite passages in all fiction-dom, the story's heroine Addie Bundren recounts a story in which her well-meaning but misguided neighbor shows up at her door to call her to repentance. Addie then goes into a little sermon about what repentance is, and what it means.

"She prayed for me because she believed I was blind to sin, wanting me to kneel and pray too, because people to whom sin is just a matter of words, to them salvation is just words too."

This part has resonated with me since first I read it. That moment when something you've heard all your life and thought you understood suddenly becomes more than just very familiar words. When something you thought was a cliche turns out to be rooted in some pretty serious truth.

Thursday was the perfect storm: Poor diet+lack of sleep+two kids needing my attention at every turn+a healthy dose of my own impatience=Becca meltdown of (almost) epic proportions. And when I say epic, I don't mean, "Dude it was epic." But real epic. Like Odysseus and the Charybdis.

I was doubting everything from my choice of wardrobe to my divine calling of being a mother. When the day was finally over, part of me wanted to forget it all happened and drown my sorrows in the boob tube and the aforementioned Ben & Jerry's. The other part (and, it turns out, the greater part) wanted to unload all of these emotional burdens on my husband.

As it all came spilling out, he just sat there, so patiently, listening to my word vomit--things you think you mean at night, only to discover in the light of the morning that exhaustion made some latent and pretty benign feelings seem much more pernicious. When I was done spilling my guts, he reminded me that the divine calling of being a mother has nothing to do with changing diapers, fixing meals, or any of the mundane and often frustrating parts of my day. Being a mother is about loving and caring for my children. All the other tasks are just side duties. This is something I believe in and preach often enough to my mom friends in need of just such a pep talk. But I have to say, it's pretty powerful being on the receiving end.

As I sat there, feeling the Spirit for the first time that day, I began to review the day's work in my mind. All day, the running self-pitying commentary in my head was that I am never able to get done what I want to get done. That I would love to be the mom I want to be... if only circumstances would let me. And as I thought about this attitude (that I've had since becoming a mother), I realized that this is exactly what people are talking about when they talk about the need to become the person Heavenly Father wants them to be. This concept--something I'd understood only definitively--suddenly became more than the words used to express it.

I've had this image in my head of what I think the perfect mother would be like--and maybe I lose my cool sometimes because this image is incompatible with reality. And maybe I keep running into barriers because this person I'm trying to become is neither real nor what my Heavenly Father has in mind for me.

It so happens that the Conference talk I read during my Gospel study that day was Lynn G. Robbins's talk, "What Manner of Men and Women Ought Ye to Be?" I had completely forgotten about this talk. As a matter of fact, I've actually been praying lately that in the next Conference, someone would give a talk about parenting and how to discipline--turns out, my prayers had already been answered. For anyone else dealing with a toddler and a newborn, I strongly encourage at least a look-over of these inspiring words. Especially:

"A sweet and obedient child will enroll a father or mother only in Parenting 101. If you are blessed with a child who tests your patience to the nth degree, you will be enrolled in Parenting 505. Rather than wonder what you might have done wrong in the premortal life to be so deserving, you might consider the more challenging child a blessing and opportunity to become more godlike yourself. With which child will your patience, long-suffering, and other Christlike virtues most likely be test, developed, and refined? Could it be possible that you need this child as much as this child needs you?"

It seems that there's something more powerful at work than my 2-year-old's willfulness. Maybe I'm not the worst mother on the planet. Maybe I wasn't overlooked when divine feminine attributes were being passed out in the premortal realm. Maybe my kid is just learning, and I'm learning right along with him. And at the end of the ordeal, maybe we'll both end up being a little closer to who we're meant to be.

Postpartum Prerogatives:

(Yum. And, hey, there are 7g protein in a serving, which--in my book--means this is a totally healthy treat.)

(God bless the people who are making television worth watching.)

Ada Jane

Ada Jane

7/3/2011

7 lbs, 3 oz. 19.5 in.

This girl has completely captured my heart. I'm a lucky woman. So far, both my birthing experiences have been amazing, bordering on the surreal. Details to follow, but mostly these days the most accurate descriptive word is: blessed.

W

So... I'm way late on posting about W's birthday, which is too bad, because we had such a fun day! He was lucky enough to have lots of family in town for the occasion, and we had a great day doing things that W loves. We had lots of friends and family for a pizza party, and W loved running around with the other little kids and dancing to a playlist we made of his favorite music.

Birthday Cake

Some things that he's been up to lately:

*Dancing to the "hair show" (anything that has people performing on stage; he got the term "hair show" from when we went to my sister's show a few months ago. He was fascinated and now he loves performances, like So You Think You Can Dance)

*Singing into a rectangular block as a microphone

*Saying prayers all by himself (and dictating who will be saying it if he doesn't want to...)

*Sings and identifies his ABC's

*LOVES to identify numbers and letters as we drive around town ("Look! It's a 7.")

*Is really into vehicles. He's never more excited than when he's watching planes take off and land from the airport, which he can see from our back window. Or when he sees a helicopter flying by. Or hears a bus. Or sees a fire truck. And just brace yourself for if you see a construction vehicle around town. "LOOK! It's a digger!!! See it? It's RIGHT THERE!!!! See it?"

*Enjoys The Jungle Book, Pam ("The Office," of all things), Rory and Lorelai ("Gilmore Girls"), but especially enjoys going to the library to pick out Snoopy cartoons.

*Starting to identify shapes

Carcinogenic homemade penguin (another post for another time)

*Knows his colors

*Starting to do impressions of people

*Skinny, skinny, skinny. I believe at his 2 year appt he was 34" and 23 lbs.

*Seems to be fascinated but afraid of potty training, which I am not at all in a hurry to accomplish

*Loves strawberries, tacos, fries, root beer, and quesadillas ("quesa-dee-wees")

*One of his favorite things is playing Pirates with Daddy on the computer, and doing the pirate dance

*Such a good little friend. He loves having his friend Alli over to play, and gets so excited showing her his toys and explaining to her his favorite shows

*Terrified of haircuts

*Loves primary songs, and knows a good chunk of them, too!

*Can be rather bossy with me and Chris, often liking to tell us how to kneel or who will say the prayer, or which clothes he will/will not wear. Oy veh. Taking orders from a 2-year-old? No bueno.

*Knows that Grandma and Grandpa Tingey live in "Canifornee" and that Higg and Pop-Pop live in "Washton"

*When we asked him if his baby sister's name was Jane, he said, "No. No Jane. Put away Jane. Baby sister's name is Ada." So, there you have it.

party favors had the little dudes pics all over them

The Mom Club

I'm sharing this because this morning I had a conversation with my friend Melanie who lives down the hall. It's not really something I relish conversing about. But after some research this morning, I've decided--for the sake of other moms who may have had the same experience--that I ought to share what I found.

It felt like we had to admit it in almost hushed tones (though we were the only ones in my home this morning) that nursing was not our favorite thing in the world. I was so relieved to find a friend in this feeling, but after she left I was more than a little bothered by the fact that we both were hesitant to admit we wouldn't be fully breastfeeding our upcoming babies. It's a relief and a trouble at the same time to have conversations where you frequently exchange the expression, "Oh my gosh, I'm SO glad you said that!" It's awesome to find someone who relates to what you're going through--but usually, only because what you've been feeling all along is isolation and shame.

Without going into too much detail, I'll just say that my baby blues lasted exactly as long as I breastfed, about 7 months. Nursing was not an experience I enjoyed--at all. Almost nothing in my life has made me feel uglier, more subjected, more objectified, more tied down or immodest than breastfeeding. The only reason I did it was because of the overwhelming "breast is best" mantra you hear/read absolutely everywhere when you're a new mom. No one can say enough about how critical it is to breastfeed. And no one seems to feel any shame whatsoever in implying that mothers who use formula simply do not love their children enough to get breastfeeding right--as if nursing were a moral choice rather than a physical/physiological/psychological/financial/occupational/other personal factors decision.

And, it turns out, it's mostly for nothing, after all. It turns out that the benefits we're told of in nursing are negligible at best. SOME studies do show that breastfed babies have higher IQ's, decreased risk of obesity, diabetes, etc. But, it turns out, some studies also show that there is actually no difference between breastfed and formula fed babies. Furthermore, when you break down the studies that DO show breast is best, it turns out there are much stronger correlations between the mother's lifestyle effect on her child--that her decision to breastfeed was not actually the determining factor, but rather her example. What's even more critical is the nature of research itself--there are too many other variables to take into consideration when examining how kids turn out. Some studies show that the group most likely to breastfeed is upper-middleclass, white, and highly educated females. And the children of these families are already shown to have advantages over other groups, the same kinds of advantages touted by pro-nursing groups--so it's really impossible to say whether these advantages come from being a breastfed infant or just being born into a more "privileged" situation, or any number of other factors, for that matter.

I'm not bringing this up because I want to start a debate. I'm bringing this up because moms face enough pressure to be good moms without us judging one another for our personal choices. Being a successful parent means learning to figure out what works well in your own dynamic. Keeping up with the Joneses is counterproductive to family happiness.

It's really time we start supporting each other on our most divisive issues. Whether we breastfeed or not, stay home with our kids or not, whatever. You really never know how important someone's decision might be to their family's overall happiness. And in the end, it's about making our families thrive, right? So, why judge? Why do our decisions all have to be the same?

Here is the article I read that got me thinking about these things critically. I encourage all my mom friends and mom-to-be friends to read not only this article, but the other articles referenced. It really opened my eyes to what some mothers face--and how lucky I am to make the decisions I do. I encourage you to read it, not because I'm trying to convince you that breastfeeding is bad--or even that it's just really hard for some people. I just think these articles are great about talking about the need for mothers to support each other. So that if we're having a hard time with something, we don't feel like we can only talk about it in hushed tones.