The Mom Club

I'm sharing this because this morning I had a conversation with my friend Melanie who lives down the hall. It's not really something I relish conversing about. But after some research this morning, I've decided--for the sake of other moms who may have had the same experience--that I ought to share what I found.

It felt like we had to admit it in almost hushed tones (though we were the only ones in my home this morning) that nursing was not our favorite thing in the world. I was so relieved to find a friend in this feeling, but after she left I was more than a little bothered by the fact that we both were hesitant to admit we wouldn't be fully breastfeeding our upcoming babies. It's a relief and a trouble at the same time to have conversations where you frequently exchange the expression, "Oh my gosh, I'm SO glad you said that!" It's awesome to find someone who relates to what you're going through--but usually, only because what you've been feeling all along is isolation and shame.

Without going into too much detail, I'll just say that my baby blues lasted exactly as long as I breastfed, about 7 months. Nursing was not an experience I enjoyed--at all. Almost nothing in my life has made me feel uglier, more subjected, more objectified, more tied down or immodest than breastfeeding. The only reason I did it was because of the overwhelming "breast is best" mantra you hear/read absolutely everywhere when you're a new mom. No one can say enough about how critical it is to breastfeed. And no one seems to feel any shame whatsoever in implying that mothers who use formula simply do not love their children enough to get breastfeeding right--as if nursing were a moral choice rather than a physical/physiological/psychological/financial/occupational/other personal factors decision.

And, it turns out, it's mostly for nothing, after all. It turns out that the benefits we're told of in nursing are negligible at best. SOME studies do show that breastfed babies have higher IQ's, decreased risk of obesity, diabetes, etc. But, it turns out, some studies also show that there is actually no difference between breastfed and formula fed babies. Furthermore, when you break down the studies that DO show breast is best, it turns out there are much stronger correlations between the mother's lifestyle effect on her child--that her decision to breastfeed was not actually the determining factor, but rather her example. What's even more critical is the nature of research itself--there are too many other variables to take into consideration when examining how kids turn out. Some studies show that the group most likely to breastfeed is upper-middleclass, white, and highly educated females. And the children of these families are already shown to have advantages over other groups, the same kinds of advantages touted by pro-nursing groups--so it's really impossible to say whether these advantages come from being a breastfed infant or just being born into a more "privileged" situation, or any number of other factors, for that matter.

I'm not bringing this up because I want to start a debate. I'm bringing this up because moms face enough pressure to be good moms without us judging one another for our personal choices. Being a successful parent means learning to figure out what works well in your own dynamic. Keeping up with the Joneses is counterproductive to family happiness.

It's really time we start supporting each other on our most divisive issues. Whether we breastfeed or not, stay home with our kids or not, whatever. You really never know how important someone's decision might be to their family's overall happiness. And in the end, it's about making our families thrive, right? So, why judge? Why do our decisions all have to be the same?

Here is the article I read that got me thinking about these things critically. I encourage all my mom friends and mom-to-be friends to read not only this article, but the other articles referenced. It really opened my eyes to what some mothers face--and how lucky I am to make the decisions I do. I encourage you to read it, not because I'm trying to convince you that breastfeeding is bad--or even that it's just really hard for some people. I just think these articles are great about talking about the need for mothers to support each other. So that if we're having a hard time with something, we don't feel like we can only talk about it in hushed tones.