Ungrateful

That's the word for today, folks, maybe for the past few days. Allow me to complain for a few minutes in the most bitter of spirits over things that--in the long run--maybe don't matter.

List of grievances:

*Baby in ribs, all the time, sometimes all through the night making sleep if not impossible, at least not actually restful.

*Nasty cold. I ask you, medical community: How is it possible that my body can find the energy to produce unladylike amounts of nasal fluids, but can not find a way to cook this baby any faster? If you can find a way to speed up this process, I may actually consider doing this again. Also, how difficult could it be to produce a pregnancy-safe cold medicine that is actually effective? Let's work on that. Thanks.

*Toddler with nasty cold. You've heard it before, you'll hear it again, I'm sure. I hate snot. It's the most vile of bodily fluids, and its persistence is maddening.

*Stuff. I hate stuff. I think my nesting manifests itself in two major ways: an overwhelming need to bake things (even if I don't actually want to eat them) and a deep desire to throw away everything I own that is not positively essential to living life. Cell phones, computers, DVDs, CDs, kitchen appliances, and basically everything we keep in our storage locker. I am sick of looking at stuff, especially knickknacks. I can't even think of a dirtier concept right now than things that exist merely to cause me the stress of figuring out where to place it in my home--and then once in its space, is forever forgotten and unappreciated. I wonder how Chris would respond if he came home from school one day to find our home essentially gutted of most of our personal effects. He's a holder-on-er. With each passing year, my urge to de-clutter grows ever stronger. I'm already getting excited at the prospect of being able to throw away toys as Ada grows out of them.

*Anticipation of newborn stage. I'm afraid of the lack of sleep and energy. There, I said it. Fear, plain and simple.

*Body image. Listen, I know I'm roughly the size of one of those inflatable animals from the Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade. I know that on days when I forget to put on my wedding ring after knitting--and then go out in public--people look at me like I'm an irresponsible teen mom. You should see the looks I get when I have W in tow on these outings. Truly, folks. People look at me like I owe them an apology for the scourge I am on society. That's why I like Costco. Costco people are nicer than non-Costco people.

And this list isn't even the whole or the worst of what I feel like I could complain about right now. The point is, I know all of my complaints stem from the fact that I am not taking the time to feel grateful for all of my blessings, blessings that actually DO matter in the long run. Like the fact that that this pregnancy has been easier than the last, that this baby is healthy and so am I. That when my husband sees me standing over a pile of laundry, he picks it up and deals with it, so I don't have to spend another 5 minutes trying to figure out how I'm going to get the energy to deal with all the other piles of laundry.

My list of blessings is extensive and meaningful, but today, this week, I have been unable to connect with that feeling of gratitude. Today, I just don't care. Isn't that awful? I want to crawl under a blanket and pretend the world and my responsibility to it doesn't exist. I want the sun to shine and my cold to go away so I can go enjoy it. I want to make and eat cookies and not worry about how everything I eat now is going to have to come off postpartum, by our December Higgs vacation to Hawaii. I want to roll over in bed in less than five minutes, not surrounded by my carefully laid labyrinth of pillows. In short, I want what I simply cannot have, so I should stop dwelling on it and move on. Instead, on the inside, I am throwing tantrums that are way worse than my toddler's. Worse, because I know better, because I have the skills to actually control myself and I'm deliberately not using them.

Worse, because, in the end, I really ought to just be grateful.

Adventures in Arugula

It all started a couple weeks ago, when Chris alerted me that a certain author (who for the time being must not be named) was going to be signing books at the King's English book shop. Oh, that I could say more! But one of the main purposes in going to said signing was to get a copy of this author's book signed for my sister Katy, whose birthday will be shortly upon us. So as not to ruin the element of "OH MY GOSH!!!!" that will inevitably ensue when this shows up at her apartment, I will say no more. In any case, while waiting for the signing to begin, we decided to head across the street and grab a sandwich at Tony Caputo's. Since my OB restricts me from eating deli meat, I ordered a veggie sandwich that was stacked with arugula.

Imagine, if you will, a 7-month-pregnant woman, sitting on an outdoor patio with her husband, son, and brother, enjoying a very fine evening (a tragic rarity this spring) and a roasted red pepper sandwich piled high with arugula. It had been a while since arugula and I had crossed paths. Maybe it's a pregnant thing. All I know was it hit the spot in a way that maybe only pregnant women can appreciate, and cultivated within me a deep desire to know this green better.

So. Yesterday, as I was making up my weekly menu, I decided arugula had to be part of it. We've had it two nights in a row. And both meals were so very satisfying, I felt selfish and sick at the thought of keeping them to myself. The first recipe, I'm proud to say, I thought up out of my own noggin (sorry I have no pictures):

Open-Faced, Fried Egg Sandwich

1 loaf sourdough bread

1 bag arugula

1 brick parmesan

eggs

salt

pepper

butter

*Fry eggs to your preferred doneness, seasoning with salt and pepper. Slice your bread, toast it, and butter it if you like (I did). Slice thin slices of parm and place them on the sourdough toast. Top with desired amount of arugula. Top that with the fried egg, which, I suppose, serves as a proxy top to this sandwich. It is simple; it is quick. And if you serve it along with some fresh salted slices of avocado and some strawberries, you may just want to kiss yourself for preparing something so entirely satisfying.

The second recipe, courtesy of Martha Stewart, you can find here or here:

(love this book)

*I used arugula instead of mesclun, obviously, and roasted my red potatoes with olive oil, salt, pepper, and garlic powder rather than boiled them. Between the salad dressing, the greens, and the goat cheese, this proved to have a fairly intense tart-bitter flavor profile, which suited me just fine. So very fine.

Mama-san, #1

This last week was both Mother's Day and my mother's birthday. I WAS going to write a Top 5 Things I Learned from My Mom post, but every time I tried to narrow it down to 5 clearly definable points, my mind swirled and threatened to shut down on me. What my mother taught me was more than a string of lessons, an entire world philosophy. So I'm not going to write that post. At least, not the whole thing. And I'm not going to limit myself to 5 things. As the woman who carried me for 9 months and then brought me into this world, she deserves more than 5 tongue-in-cheek summaries of what her life's work means to me, the recipient of that work. Instead, any time I feel like it, I'm just going to pick something out of the pensieve (nerd alert!) and tell you all what a rockin' mama I got.

What My Momma Taught Me:

#1. How to Read a Recipe: Perhaps there are more important life skills. Perhaps not. There was a process to following a recipe, I found out around the age of 11 or 12.

First, you read over the entire recipe before getting started. Make sure you know what you're getting into. Turns out, there are some cooking skills that are pretty advanced, which I have learned over the years mostly translates into paying a great deal of attention to what you are doing; anyone can do it, if they're disciplined enough to be precise. I have saved myself from many a cooking faux pas from simply reading through what I ought to do beforehand. I believe this simple skill is what gave me the ability to manage my time effectively in all aspects of my life. There are a LOT of recipes out there, where, if you were to follow them as written, it'd take you all day because you didn't realize that you could move on to step B while step A was taking care of itself. And furthermore, you can prep for steps C, D, and E well in advance so that when you get there, you're ready to go. You don't accidentally burn your risotto waiting for your chicken stock to simmer. During college, this skill may have been the most important in contributing to my success. You put first what comes first, organize your time, and get to work. Consider the profundity of these lessons for just a moment, please. They are more than just words on this digital page.

Second, check your cupboards. Maybe you want chocolate chip cookies in the worst way. But if you're out of sugar or flour or baking soda, it's not going to happen--at least not without a trip to the store first. And if you DON'T read through the recipe first, you could waste a LOT resources (time and otherwise) when you finish the dough and reach for those chocolate chips, which (gasp!) are not there. Crushing disappointment, which might all have been avoided by a little prep work.

Third--and this is pretty crucial, however obvious it might seem--do what the recipe tells you to. A few months ago, I was hooked on Food Network's Worst Cooks in America show. Invariably, the problem with each of the contestants was that they simply didn't actually follow a recipe. The recipe would tell them to bake their chicken for 45 minutes--they'd leave it in the oven for 30. Raw poultry. Or it would tell them to grate an ingredient, which they would choose to coarsely chop instead. Nasty texture. I was horrified watching this show, the ticker tape in my head perpetually reading, "Are there REALLY people out there who don't do what they're told?" This skill taught me that many (most?) rules are more than arbitrary. There are laws that keep the universe intact. There are commandments that keep our lives sanctified and directional. There is a reason the recipe asks you to grate instead of chop. Sometimes you don't know why until the finished product is rolling around in your mouth. Any time I make a recipe for the first time, I follow it precisely. I need to know first if the recipe is good as-is, and once I've tasted the product I was actually supposed to make, I can make adjustments accordingly for future cooking/baking experiences. Translation: I love rules. I do, I love them. Call me a suck-up or a goody two-shoes, I don't care. Rules have served me well my whole life. I feel very comfortable relying on them, because they have never steered me wrong or made me unhappy. Furthermore, they are what they are, independent of the people who preach them or violate them.

And this all brings me around to the one unifying lesson about reading a recipe: you only ever get what you give. I don't mean this in the self-serving way. This is not a creed for a selfish person. Rather, the basic knowledge that nothing comes from nothing. If I do not add chocolate chips, I will not get chocolate chip cookies. When you create anything from scratch, you need the necessary raw materials, and you've got to add them up in the proper amounts, in harmony with the laws that exist. This lesson hit home big time when I was pregnant with W, and I realized how crucial certain nutrients were to a developing human--and that if I didn't provide them, they wouldn't just magically appear and create a healthy baby. I had to actively take them in. You can't have a happy marriage without living by the rules of a happy marriage. You can't know the Gospel unless you study it and live it. You can't drive your car if it has no gas or electricity.

And all of this learned because one Sunday afternoon my mom took some time to show me how to properly use a measuring cup. Thanks, Mom.

Falling into Pop Culture Death Trap, a.k.a. The Royal Blunder, a.k.a. Back to the Drawing Board

So... yes, to all who wonder if I've been oblivious, I was aware that a certain Prince William was marrying a girl named Kate. And yes, I was aware that these were the names of my children. However, I figured we'd get flack for a little while and no one would make the association after a while. I still think this is true. Last week, Chris and I were out for the anniversary, talking about middle names for Kate. We decided we really liked Kate Elizabeth: it was sweet and traditional and similar in style and feeling to William Douglas.

Fast forward to last night when I finally got around to watching the royal wedding with my mom. We're watching the ceremony, laughing at William's very long name, when I think I hear the most awful words come out of the priest's mouth as he turns to Kate. Not wanting to know, but needing to know, I say to my mom, "Wait. WHAT is her name?????" Catherine Elizabeth, folks. It was the proverbial nail in my name coffin. I didn't know I could be to agile at 7 months pregnant, but my response was so violent I sort of flailed my whole body and slammed my legs down into the couch. This chick has effectively ruined my favorite baby name for this little girl. I suppose we could choose a different middle name, but after conferring with the husband, who says every time he ears about "Will & Kate" on the news it bothers him more, we decided to scrap it entirely. Kate Middleton (Windsor!) is a very lovely girl, but I'll forever resent her name being Kate and her middle name being Elizabeth. Boo. Double boo.

Here I was thinking I'd chosen a name that was fresh and original to this generation--traditional, but clearly feminine and not too popular. In short, the perfect name. Instead I feel like the biggest sucker on the planet. There are probably more devastating things in this world than being a predictable, mindless drone, a product of my generation (you know, worse things like tornadoes and hurricanes and earthquakes and tsunamis). But at the moment, my tiny little baby-name world has plummeted into despair. Back to square one.

Four Years

This week, Chris and I will celebrate our 4 year anniversary. So grateful to have this man by my side. I remember when I lived with my friend Jessica, we were discussing the Bright Eyes song, "First Day of My Life," and we were discussing the lyric, "But I'd rather be working for a paycheck/ Than waiting to win the lottery." When I married Chris, I was over the moon for him, but I felt we were very different people. I went into this marriage thinking I'd be "working for a paycheck," which in some ways is a great attitude to have; marriage is nothing if not hard work. What I didn't know--couldn't have known-- is that I'd actually won the lottery. All these so-called differences that I was convinced would matter so much just don't somehow. Other qualities, more subtle qualities, rise to the surface: the fact that I really can talk to him about anything, his inexhaustible ability to forgive and move past quarrels, an inborn need to be a good man/worthy priesthood holder, etc. I'm fairly certain wouldn't be nearly as satisfied with marriage if I had a different partner in crime.

And that's about as mushy as I'm going to get on the matter in a public forum. As I'm sure many of you know, how I really feel about this man is language unprintable. Not indecent, just... no one else's business. For his ears only. Ya know.

So, to be almost completely superficial about the matter, I'd like the mark the event with a Top 5 list. One of the great things about being different from your spouse is that your world is always broadening with new ideas, experiences, and--in our case--media exposure. When we started going out, I was pretty sure I'd come across "my" style of music, movies, etc. and that those preferences were unlikely to change. And yet if it weren't for Chris, I may never have stumbled across some of the most stellar and moving pieces of the music and film industries. I'd like to think I've done the same for him. After all, who can really live a full and emotionally healthy life without regular doses of Eric Clapton or Barbra Streisand? I shudder at the prospect of such a dark, gray world.

Top 5 Favorite Things C Has Introduced Me To:

(in no particular order)

1. Slapstick comedy: Before getting to know Chris, the only real slapstick comedy I'd seen was What's Up, Doc? A gem, to be sure, but hardly even the tip of the iceberg. Ever seen the Marx Brothers' A Night at the Opera? Oh, friends, if there is no room in your soul for this kind of impetuous silliness, I really am very sad for you. This movie is so funny! I now also enjoy the old Pink Panther movies.

2. Bob Marley: Me? A Reggae fan? Who'd have thought. Though, really, I can hardly call myself a fan of the genre as a whole; Brother Marley has got some pretty jivin' tunes. And then there's "Redemption Song," a prime example of the sort of music I thought I knew all about--and yet, here was this song, so Becca-like in nature, and I'd completely no idea it even existed until one Christopher Tingey came along.

3. The Great Escape: For a long time, my favorite my genre has been the self-labeled category of "heist films." You know, movies about extreme sneakiness. Ocean's 11, Sneakers, Out of Sight, The Firm. Someone's trying to pull off some clandestine (usually illegal, at the very least dangerous) against-all-odds mission. I'd heard of The Great Escape, but never seen it. Now it comfortably resides in my top 10 favorite films of all time. James Garner? Steve McQueen? A bunch of dudes escaping a POW camp? Fuggedaboutit. Sold.

4. The Smith's: One song will change your life forever: "Girlfriend in a Coma." You don't know it? You should. Look it up on iTunes. Like, right now.

5. Watership Down, by Richard Adams: Don't think a book about bunnies could be very interesting? That's what I thought. Chris is not much of a reader. But one week I brought home this book from the library because Sawyer was reading it on LOST, and I was curious about the connection. Well. Chris saw it and got all excited. He remembered the cartoon from childhood. Next thing I know, the man is completely consumed by this book; won't put it down. So I was naturally very curious. And friends, it didn't disappoint. This book is beautifully written and thought provoking. Give it a whirl.